When Breastfeeding is Just Not Working: Why Fed Really is Best

By Diane Epperson - Postpartum Doula

The panic flooded over me as I heard the now-familiar sound of my baby’s cry after what felt like hardly a nap. I’d been home from the hospital for a few days. It was just long enough to realize how agonizing breastfeeding had become. Why did she need to eat so often? I felt like I was just catching my breath from the last time- my breasts still tender, my mental state fragile.

I had never anticipated breastfeeding to be so challenging. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about or planned it at all. It felt silly now as I looked back on those weeks-that-felt-like-years right before she was finally born. If I had known how hard this would be, and how often I’d be attempting it, I wouldn’t have been reorganizing the nursery for the 5th time or googling “how early can I get induced.” I would’ve been seeking advice, resources, and education about breastfeeding.

My regretful thoughts were cut short by the gumption to finally get out of bed. She wasn’t going to just calm back down again without me. 

Her loud cry calmed to more of a whimper as I held her close. I walked over to the rocking chair, cradled her in my arms, and attempted to latch. It didn’t seem quite right, so I tried again. And again. I was so tired, I just wanted to get it over with. Giving up hope that I’d get the right latch, I just let her feed, my shoulders all the way up to my jaw, my toes curled and digging into the carpet.

Agony.

​I didn’t know that I wasn’t alone in struggling with breastfeeding. I didn’t know that I had options. I had just, sort of unintentionally, decided that breastfeeding is what I would do, and other ways of feeding my baby felt like defeats to me. So I just kept going.

​That was my introduction to motherhood. Confusion, frustration, pain, isolation, duty. Now, as a postpartum doula, I hear so many women tell me that they also had a really hard time breastfeeding. 

“It wasn't working, my mental health was severely declining, and I was a shell of a person. I hated it. But I felt I had to push through it because "that's what good moms do". But I began resenting my husband, my baby, and myself. It was the darkest period of my life and I almost didn't make it through it.” -Anonymous mama #1

In this post, I’ll be giving you five strategies that can give you instant relief from the emotional toll when breastfeeding is just not working.
​

1. Give Yourself the Benefit of the Doubt

Breastfeeding is a skill. With any skill, there is practice, technique, and time required to master it. 

I remember trying out the “football hold” when breastfeeding my second child post-birth. My grandma watched me struggle to get him latched, and asked “where did you learn that?!”
“They taught me this at the hospital,” I reported.

“Someone had to teach you? Why did you have to be taught? Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world!” 

Now before you think my grandma was rude, she grew up in the 1930s and 40s. A lot has changed culturally since then. And it’s possible she didn’t remember in her 90s how it felt to have a newborn and get used to breastfeeding. I’ve heard it called “grand-nesia”... when older generations forget all the hard things about taking care of little kids and give all their advice without really remembering how it really is.

But her comment about how natural breastfeeding is supposed to be can really get in the way and shame moms who feel unnatural about it.

We live in a culture that typically doesn’t show the younger generation how to breastfeed. For many of us, our first real exposure to breastfeeding might be the first time we’re trying to do it with strangers around, perhaps pressuring us to do it soon and “right”.  And with this pressure just moments after the intensity of having a baby, it’s no wonder we feel unprepared, confused, and uncertain.

You're not the only one learning this new skill either. Your baby is used to being attached to the umbilical cord, getting nourishment whenever they need it without effort. Now they have to figure out how to latch and suck. So if things aren’t easy, realize it’s not your fault.

Remember this phrase, the next time you feel frustrated by how hard breastfeeding seems: “Why would I be good at this when I’ve never really done it before?” That one always helps me keep shame at bay.

2. Start With the End in Mind

Recently I had the honor of supporting a mom who was struggling with deciding about how to feed her baby. Her goal had been to exclusively breastfeed, but with pain, very long feedings, and uncertainty if her baby was getting enough milk from her, she found herself confused and second-guessing.

She, like so many of us, wanted to know the “right” thing to do. She wanted to know if breastfeeding would get better, because if not, she didn’t want to have to suffer while she waited for it to improve.

As I coached this mom through her complicated feelings about it all, I asked her to imagine herself as a wise, old version of herself, maybe 60 years from now. When I do this exercise, I think of myself, sitting on a porch swing, rocking and looking at the beautiful trees and sky near my home. I also look down at my worn, wrinkled hands, and remember happy moments with my kids. I think of myself feeling so proud of them, and so grateful for the privilege of raising them. I think of the good they’ve done in the world, and the funny and sweet moments we’ve had. And then I ask myself, what would that version of me say to me now? What advice would she have? How would she guide me to know what to do?

A lot of the anxiety that agonizes new mothers is rooted in the fear that something could go terribly wrong with their baby, something that could perhaps be prevented. But if we already knew your baby would turn out strong, beautiful, happy, fulfilled, and live a great life, would it really matter if you chose to exclusively breastfeed? Would it matter if you invested some money now on a lactation consultant? Would it matter if you pumped sometimes or used formula sometimes or switched over entirely?

Now don’t get me wrong. It matters if it matters to you. And I love to help my clients be able to have the postpartum experience that they want, with support and great resources. So if that’s breastfeeding, we keep trying and working to figure it out. But, in the long scheme of things, I don’t think these decisions, which sometimes paralyze us because we’re afraid of doing it “wrong”, really have that much importance.

So how could you apply this strategy? Simply decide that you are determined to care for your baby and do the best you can. And assume everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, no matter how you choose to feed your baby. Visualize a happy future (sometimes only 6 months from now) where your baby is healthy, happy, and thriving, and you are too. You’ve gotten into a routine with feeding, and don’t even stress about it anymore. The more you visualize it, the more peace you’ll have now (which will make breastfeeding/figuring out how you want to feed your baby easier!), and the more clarity to know what to do.

3. Set Yourself Up with More Comfort

I remember dreading the next feeding the whole time between feedings sometimes. It was easy to spiral out of control when I thought this pain and difficulty would last forever. Every time you feed your baby, try focusing only on the present. What could be done to give you more comfort, or confidence? A few things that really helped me were:

• Ask yourself, “what do I feel like doing to feed the baby for this feeding?” Give yourself permission to take a break from breastfeeding if you want to and use formula or pumped milk and ask for help from your partner, postpartum doula, or whoever is available to support you.
• Set up a little nursing station. 
  • Heat up a rice bag in the microwave or have a heating pad plugged in and ready. You can use it on your shoulders to reduce tension, or your abdomen to help with after-pains.
    • After-pains are typical during postpartum and often coincide with breastfeeding because the hormone oxytocin is released with nipple stimulation. As terrible as these cramps can be, they are by design to help your uterus shrink back down from watermelon-size to pear-size.
  • Have nipple cream open and ready. There are nipple creams that are edible so you don’t have to wipe them off before your baby latches on.
  • Donut-shaped ice-packs for the breasts can also help with pain.
  • Have some one-handed snacks (one of my favorites is frozen chocolate-covered pineapple chunks that I prepare before birth) and your favorite water bottle ready and within arms reach. 
• If you notice yourself tensing up while latching the baby on, ask your partner or a child if you have other kids (my 6 year old was great at doing this) to press down on your shoulder and breathe deeply with you. This helps you relax and feel loved and supported.
• Use some of the breathing, visualizations, and tools you may’ve used as comfort measures for labor.
• Save a favorite audiobook or show for nursing time. This made me actually look forward to breastfeeding even in the middle of the night, because it felt like a fun little treat to allow myself to binge something awesome.
• Perhaps breastfeeding would be a good time to catch up with friends over the phone or connecting apps like Marco-Polo. This can distract you from the pain and it can be great to vent to a friend if things are hard.

A note about pain. It is normal to feel pain as you become accustomed to breastfeeding. But it shouldn’t last more than a few weeks at most. If the pain continues, it could indicate a tongue- or lip-tie, or other reasons to hire a lactation consultant to see what’s going on.

​4. Get the Support You Deserve
IBCLCs (International Board Certified Lactation Consultants) have extensive training to help you physically and give you emotional support through your breastfeeding journey. Among other things, they can

• recognize if your baby has a tongue- or lip-tie, which can get in the way of proper latching and cause pain
• help with positioning
• teach you how to use a pump and make sure it’s the proper size
• help you avoid or deal with mastitis, bleeding nipples, engorgement, infections, and more
• Remind you what a great mom you are for all the sacrifices you make to feed your baby.

I think it’s curious that so many people have their babies in the hospital with lots of medical support, and yet try to breastfeed at home all alone. With something so crucial as how to keep your baby alive, wouldn’t we want the best support possible?

When you are not getting sleep, navigating baby blues, and healing physically and emotionally from the intensity of (any) birth, you already have a lot on your plate. If breastfeeding is “just not working” for whatever reason, it’s time to delegate and seek help to be able to figure it out soon, not put it off. And lactation consultants are my favorite way to do that. Your breastfeeding success is their expertise!

​5. Remember You’re Allowed to Change Your Mind Anytime
We panic when we feel stuck, when we think we’re victims. Thoughts like ‘the baby has to eat now, and I’m the only one who can help them,’ create the feeling of pressure. But the truth is, you’re not stuck, you choose every time you breastfeed, and you’re allowed to choose whatever you want. When you own your choices, you are empowered and realize that you do have more control over your experience than you may have previously thought.
If you are considering transitioning from breastfeeding, there are a few things I invite you to keep in mind:

• If part of you wants to keep trying, please hire a lactation consultant before stopping. You may be surprised at how they can help you, individually, with your own needs.
• You are absolutely allowed to stop, even if you intended to breastfeed. You’re allowed to change your mind- this doesn’t make you a bad mom, selfish, or irresponsible. It’s actually incredibly mature to be aware of your needs and be willing to change course if that is what feels right to you. 

“It is ok to stop if it isn't working. It isn't quitting. It isn't letting anyone down. It just isn't a good fit for you, and that baby deserves a mom who is present over a mom who is breastfeeding. … Good moms do what they need to do [so] they can be present moms.” -Anonymous Mama #1 again

• Be cautious of switching to formula because you think it’ll be so much easier. Really, no matter how you feed your baby, there are pros and cons. Formula will come with an expense, bottles to clean, and discomfort as your body learns to stop making milk.
• You need your compassion more than ever when you go through this, especially if it feels defeating or disappointing to you. You don’t need your own judgment, and you don’t need to feel judged by others- they have no idea what you’ve been up against.
• When you decide this, you may experience grief. Allow it. It can be really hard when things go differently than we hoped and expected.
• Your mental and physical well-being is 100% as important as your baby’s. If changing how you feed your baby will lighten your load or benefit you, that is enough of a reason. Only you really know what is right for you and your family regarding this.

For me with baby #1, the pain lessened when she was about 2 weeks old. I continued breastfeeding and we got into a rhythm. With some of my other kids it seemed easier. And then with baby #4 it was agony, but I felt too busy with all my other kids and my endless To-do list to find a lactation consultant or do much to get relief. Finally, when my baby was seven months old, she had an operation because of her deep tongue tie that the pediatrician had missed but another professional found when we went to him for another reason. Breastfeeding was instantly better. Just because I stuck with it doesn’t make me a better or a more selfless mom. I didn’t understand the importance of prioritizing my own well-being. I had excuses for not supporting myself in the way I needed and deserved. With baby #5 I got lactation consultants two different times, and took this all more seriously because I finally learned that investing in myself was a good thing, and the best thing I could do for my family.

If there was one thing I’d want you to take from this post, it would be this concept, stated beautifully from another mom who struggled with breastfeeding. 

“Your value as a mom is not in the method of feeding your baby.” 

I couldn’t agree more.


About the author:
Diane Epperson is a certified postpartum doula. After overcoming plenty of challenges in her five breastfeeding journeys, she is thrilled to support women during postpartum in helping them find the resources they need. She encourages moms to find their village and ask for help shamelessly. You can discover more about her in-person services here.