Unpacking Your Birth, Reclaiming Your Power: A Path to Empowered Motherhood

By Diane Epperson

I sat in the cozy room, looking down at my knees. Even though I knew I was in the presence of some of the kindest women I had ever met, I didn’t want the tears to come. I willed them not to come.

But when I opened my mouth to continue my story, my voice cracked and the tears rebelled.

I told them about his birth, how differently it had gone than I expected, how his oxygen levels weren’t normal, how empty I had felt when instead of with me, he was sent to the NICU . Even though I was simply telling his birth story, the trauma I didn’t even realize I was still holding on to betrayed me. I was surprised that I started to shake.

I finished and stole a glance at them, seeing genuine love and curiosity. There was not a trace of judgment in their faces. 

“I think you would really benefit from some birth processing,” said the midwife. We visited for some time and then as I left, she gave me a list of her recommendations.


What is birth processing?

For something as significant as birth, it is crucial to allow space to work through our feelings about the experience. Birth may just take place over some hours, but the depth of feeling it can leave behind can be carried throughout our lives. When unprocessed, birth trauma (defined in the next section) can manifest itself in illness- both physically and mentally.

Birth processing is simply taking time to intentionally allow room for your emotions about your birth. It could be sharing your unfiltered birth story with someone who will listen non-judgmentally, someone safe. It is allowing yourself to be validated and honoring yourself and the birth experience.

In her excellent book, The Fourth Trimester, Kimberly Ann Johnson shares a poignant analogy when addressing this topic.

“If someone is going to summit Mount Everest, their experience is much more elaborate than if they made it to the top and back. For the climber, there are several vivid and critical moments that define the experience much more than simply ‘I summited’ or ‘We didn’t make the summit.’ While giving birth, there are pivotal moments when we face ourselves at deeper levels, when we come face-to-face with unexpected obstacles or unanticipated reservoirs of strength. When we reduce the experience to the outcome— and specifically to the rote idea that as long as a woman is alive, everything went well– we overlook an untapped resource. The woman and the community miss out on a chance to gain wisdom and maturity from her experience.” (page 212) 


What is birth trauma?
You may think your birth doesn’t need processing if you didn’t end up with an emergency C-section or hemorrhage profusely. As a society, we’ve reserved the word “trauma” for things that are dramatic and big. But trauma is trauma if the birthing person feels affected by it in a significant way. I had birth trauma by the words of a particular nurse that felt like mockery in a moment of vulnerability. Many moms feel trauma from painful cervical exams or just from all the fear and anxiety that something in birth may go terribly wrong. Birth is an intense experience for the body and the mind. Feeling out of control can feel traumatic. 

If it feels traumatic to you, as the one who gave birth, it is valid.

Partners, doulas, and support people present can experience birth trauma as well. And I imagine babies can too.
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What many moms do

When asked about the birth, many new moms feel the only appropriate thing to share is that they made it and the baby made it ok. Perhaps they’ll tell a curious friend the story in terms of dilation numbers, times, and what the doctor said as soon as the infant was born, but many moms will give a very abbreviated version of the events, so as to avoid seeming ungrateful, complaining, or to avoid the vulnerability of showing negative emotion.

Then they quietly keep it all inside. With the constant demands and no time to even take a shower let alone ponder and work out their feelings about the birth, they feel resentful and jaded. Unheard. Ignored. Broken.

Once in a while, at a baby shower, the opportunity comes up to share how much they suffered, perhaps just in terms of how long their labor was, or how badly they tore. And when women feel the need to do this in a one-upping fashion, I think it indicates how they are still suffering emotionally, even if it’s been years.

Experiencing birth trauma and then not finding appropriate outlets for it is like a neglected pantry full of food that eventually spoils. Mothers sometimes wonder why they feel so terribly, why they seem to have let themselves go. But they can clean out that pantry and feel tremendous relief.  This is done first by taking everything out (talking about all the experiences- both hard and awesome), then cleaning off the shelves, and only putting back what is still good (intentionally deciding what you want to believe about the birth and your abilities as a mother). Doing so will help you deeply heal from birth in a sustainable way, and move on with confidence, self-gratitude, and compassion.


You can experience something different. Something better.

Birth processing post-birth is the first step to a beautiful mindset shift that the mom is a real person too- that her sacrifices are worth noticing, honoring, and being grateful for. The mom who seeks birth processing understands the wisdom in seeking other kinds of support which is available to her as she may experience other challenges in postpartum and motherhood. She may hire a postpartum doula for empathetic guidance and practical support after birth. She may seek breastfeeding support through a lactation consultant, physical healing of pelvic floor muscles and core through pelvic floor physical therapy (a.k.a. getting your dignity back), and/or therapy and coaching for navigating the emotional turbulence of motherhood. When she feels safe and heard as she processes the birth, she knows she can find safety and be heard in other challenges too.


I started to meet online with a genuine and brilliant life coach who specializes in birth trauma. I shared my story with her, and over time we worked through the trauma together. Doing this finally healed me emotionally. I came to understand that what had happened to my son during his birth was not my fault. I came to feel compassion for myself and peace about the birth, even though it had been 7 years.

After this, my next birth was absolutely radiant. I had healed my previous birth trauma. I had finally allowed space for those feelings from that birth long ago, and had no baggage at my daughter’s birth.

How do I process the birth?

Honoring yourself, your newborn, and your birth through processing it could look like so many different things. It could be 

• meeting in person or through a video call for 1-2 hours with a professional birth processor or debriefer who will listen, hold space, validate, and allow you to express yourself however you wish.
• sharing whatever comes to mind about your birth with your postpartum doula, as she gives you a foot massage and emotional support.
• setting a timer for 15 minutes while your infant naps and writing a list of everything that surprised or challenged you during birth. Repeating this exercise over several days, with different journal prompts to explore the birth thoroughly.
• creating art that helps you express how you feel about the birth.
• looking at pictures and videos from the birth, and creating an album on your phone of your favorites.
• setting aside time once a week to meditate or pray, seeking emotional healing for the parts of birth that scared and/or traumatized you.
• making a list of what you would like to be different if you have another birth in the future.
• talking to your reflection in the mirror, assuring yourself that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and even if it didn’t go how you expected or hoped, that you had the birth you were meant to have.
• inviting a trusted friend to hear the birth story, allowing yourself to cry, and process anger, fear, embarrassment, or any other emotion that wants to present itself as you retell it.
• remembering the birth with your newborn and talking to him or her about what was amazing, and what was challenging. It can be very healing to realize that your baby had their own experience with birth at the same time which was most likely surprising, challenging, perhaps traumatizing, and beautiful as well (especially when they were finally held by their sweet mama).

Whatever feels right to you, whatever feels healing, allowing any emotions to come up are appropriate ways to process your birth.

If you are pregnant now, be intentional and plan for birth processing post-birth. This is such an effective way to set yourself up for good postpartum recovery.

And even if it’s been a while since you had a baby, it’s not too late. Healing will come by allowing space for and giving a voice to all the thoughts you’ve had about the birth over all this time. 

The story of you giving birth deserves to be told. It’s time to let love and compassion in, and gratitude for you and what you went through to bring that little human into this world.

Thank you, by the way.

About the author:
Diane Epperson is a certified postpartum doula. She loves empowering women after birth through education, birth processing, and support. Diane can help you delegate your worries and responsibilities so you will be able to enjoy the precious time after birth by healing physically and emotionally and bonding with your baby. You can find out more about her services here.